By Dr. Joanna Henderson
For many parents, Thanksgiving is about more than eating too much turkey and falling asleep on the couch. It may also be the first time their young person is returning from university or college, and parents may be preoccupied with wanting to know what’s really going on in their lives.
How much alcohol are they drinking? Are they using cannabis? Is the stress of school making them anxious or depressed? As a parent myself, I know how important it is to know how our kids are really doing.
This is a new phase in your relationship. They’ve been navigating new challenges in the first few weeks of school without your watchful gaze, and they will have made mistakes – didn’t you at that age?
Thanksgiving is the perfect time for an open, real conversation that includes mutual respect, listening and sharing.
You may want to start a direct conversation in hopes of getting them on track: “I hope you’ve been keeping up on your work and not partying too much,” you might say. “You know this is costing a mountain of money and you had better have gotten off to a good start.”
That sort of approach is likely to encourage them to respond with only what you want to hear: “Yeah, everything is good” – even if it isn’t.
Parents will get further by instead talking about non-school-work related topics, such as sports, music or current events. This shows you are interested in them as people, not just in their role as student. Share with them things that have been going on for you since they moved away for school.
They’re likely looking for relief from the stress of school. They want the comfort of home, family and friends. Cherish this. Your child has been making new friends, living with a roommate, finding their way around campus, doing laundry, managing food and money – not to mention going to classes and managing schoolwork – and all without their old supports. It’s likely some things are going well and some aren’t.
This may be a good place to start when the time is right and they have had time to enjoy being home. Try open-ended questions, like “It is so great to see you. How are things going?” Balance is important; you want to hear about both the things going well and the things that have been tougher.
And do your homework before the conversation. Be prepared by knowing more about the resources available at their school. If your youth shares real concerns with you – that they’re overwhelmed, unsure they made the right choice, terrified of failure, that they don’t know how to balance all the demands – let them know you hear what they are saying and discuss solutions.
Think about how you feel when you’re stressed. What would it take to get you to open up? How would you want a loved one to respond?
Kids know we want them to work hard and do well, and that school is expensive. Repeating this doesn’t help them see their strengths or how they can cope. They may not know that many students find college and university overwhelming. Remind them of their strengths and that even though you may be living apart, you are there for them, to listen, to brainstorm with them.
Help them understand the resources available at their school. Make sure they know you love them regardless of how well (or not well) things are going at school. Most importantly – by listening and offering support know that you are laying a strong foundation for a new phase of your relationship, as your youth steps tentatively – and boldly – into adulthood.
Dr. Joanna Henderson is Director of the Margaret and Wallace McCain Centre for Child, Youth and Family Mental Health.