Josh's Story

Seven years ago, when Josh Flis was living in Toronto’s west end, something clicked. Struggling with drug and alcohol addiction, he threw on his clothes and jumped on the Ossington bus down to CAMH campus’s Emergency Department.

I knew I needed help. I jumped on transit to get to CAMH and they triaged me there. And with a sense of peace, I just broke down; I had never really cried like that before. In the triage room was the first time that I admitted I was an addict out loud. I finally acknowledged that all I do is drink. Thankfully, when I talk about this stuff now, it makes me feel emotional and happy in the best way.

Josh recognizes that his journey has been profoundly shaped by a challenging past. Growing up in a turbulent home, he endured the struggles of his father battling addiction and criminal behaviour, while his mother, despite her disadvantaged background, didn’t use substances and drew strength from her faith community.

Throughout his life, Josh was thrust into the role of an unwilling witness and referee to domestic abuse, a chaotic environment marked by both physical and verbal chaos. Despite being forced to remain silent, these experiences honed his emotional resilience and survival instincts, preparing him to navigate adversity from an early age.

Feeling isolated in the dichotomy of his experience, Josh struggled to balance and understand the morals and behaviors of his parents at a very young age. During high school, he would go with his friends to parties, drinking beer by the 24-case and using illegal drugs like ecstasy, mushrooms and cocaine. As he used more and more, his habits escalated with his tolerance, and his struggles worsened.

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He was caught stealing liquor but let off with a warning and engaged in risky behaviours yet managed to avoid serious health consequences. While exhibiting extreme bouts of anger, his discipline ultimately kept him from encountering life-altering danger. Josh realized his behaviour reflected the negative influences around him, yet he felt a profound disconnect between the person he was becoming and the person he truly was inside. Lacking a clear sense of direction, he grappled with the conflict between his environment and his inner identity.

After graduating high school, Josh moved to Australia to attend a seminary church, but eventually dropped out and came back to Canada without completing his schooling. While there, Josh noticed some oppressive practices and the unhealthy social precedents that this church culture was setting, which left him sad and questioning the utility of contemporary, organized churches.

Once he returned to Canada, he landed a job with a retail company and began leading teams across the country. Now working a job that gave him a sense of fulfillment and freedom, Josh found himself far from home, distancing himself from religion and fueling his addictions in the process. It was during this period that his partying and alcohol abuse worsened, which was exacerbated further in his next role in the retail pharmacy business.

Now working a job that gave him a sense of fulfillment and freedom, Josh found himself far from home, distancing himself from religion and fueling his addictions in the process. It was during this period that his partying and alcohol abuse worsened, which was exacerbated further in his next role in the retail pharmacy business.

Despite being very successful at his job, his life was suffering. “I was making so much money, so [the alcoholism] was just this thing that I accepted. My drinking was getting totally out of control, upping from a glass of wine a night to five or six pints of beer at a bar, and then going two doors down and buying two 1.5-litre bottles of the cheapest wine they had. I kept getting worse. I was transitioning from this person who was okay in a toxic environment, because that's what I was used to, to somebody who was the embodiment of a toxic person.”

One morning in 2017, something changed. “I just woke up one day, went to the bathroom, and I looked at myself. My eyes were bloodshot, and my mind was made up.” With a pounding headache, Josh confesses that he felt totally unaccomplished. “I looked in the mirror and said to myself, ‘I hate you.’”

That day, upon his visit to CAMH, things drastically changed. At CAMH, Josh felt truly respected and cared for, never experiencing stereotyping, disrespect or dismissal. “I was drinking at a level that felt so disgusting, but they got it. They understood and didn’t say anything dismissive. They immediately admitted me into the Bridging Clinic, got me through those steps of speaking with a psychiatrist and three other health professionals who spoke to me about my problem and my behaviours. That’s when I realized I was locked in; my burdens were finally being shared.”

After some time away from his job, Josh started a new chapter. Now studying psychology, he’s since won an award for his research on domestic violence and gender-based violences which will be published next year. With hopes to work in mental health and addictions, his life has drastically changed, and he is forever grateful to CAMH.

“The way I was living and the success that I had, and all the opportunities that came my way while I was under the influence, pales in comparison to the opportunity that I live in right now. What I had to do was be honest with myself and deal with my problems. CAMH welcomed me to do that. The counselor, the triage nurse, the psychiatrist, they empowered me to think and speak in positive terms, to construct my healing one painful sentence at a time. There's no shame in getting help. My advice to people today is to not let your condition rob you of your future. There's a purpose to your life. Please, do not let drugs and alcohol steal your purpose from you.”